Hi, I am Ngale.
I really do not know how to write this. Have you ever been requested to tell your story and you do not know where to start? It isn’t fiction where you can drop characters from the blues and mold them to tell your story. It is real life, and real life does not have a distinct start. One mere event leads to another, then to another and boom you have a consequence. A big outcome should never overshadow the importance of a humble beginning. So I will tell my story honestly and will begin with a tiny memoir.
I couldn’t stop crying. He was my first love. He taught me all that I knew then about love, about sex. He was my perfect match, a match made in heaven, as I used to tell myself. After 8 years of dating, a whole 8 years and only four months before our wedding did he tell me he was done with me. I wasn’t fit enough to be called his wife. It was over. It was a bluff. And did I tell you he called it quits after I gave him my first blow job and you know what that means. I explored that night as I was confident enough I had earned the ring. 3:17 A.M. he woke me up and I was overly excited that my man wanted more. My mind was preparing for the next ride to cloud 9 when he unexpectedly said,
“Nadzonzi nduona ngati za ukwati iwe ndi ine sizingatheke” The idea of marriage between you and me cannot work out.
I gasped for air but guess it was too late.
He had said it loud and clear but all I heard was, busted. Worthless. Humiliated. Dead. Angry. Naked.
I guess I’m not the only one who has heard these words. Many of us have heard them maybe more than once and these words have either made us the women or men we are today. Some of us still feel the sting of the words and each time we remember the sound, it’s like we die a million times, our dreams gasp for oxygen, our confidence and self-worth levels drastically fall to the improbable levels. Unfortunately, we create a different human being other than that what God wanted us to be and we nurture that beast, we give that beast control of our lives, it dreams for us, it decides for us and rules all we are.
Years after battling with my esteem which ate into my career, my marriage, my relationships and my uniqueness, I realized that my ex-boyfriend had made a choice which he felt was good but I got hurt. I had to make a choice too as to how I will interpret his words. Justifiably, I made a choice to interpret the words as he was telling me that am worthless. Why did I feel humiliated? Why did I feel like I was dying? Why was I feeling angry and naked?
This will be my sixth anniversary in marriage but the first three years were rough because the feeling that my ex-boyfriend left me that night was ruling me. The beast that I created after that pain made decisions in my family, it suggested my expectations in the marriage, it dictated the way I shaped my career, it did a lot including ruining my marriage, career and relationship. Thank heavens I was given another second chance to renew myself and become what God wanted me to be.
February is the month of love, to some it’s the month they expect him to pop the question and the ring, to some people it’s a month that wounds are made fresh, we remember the moments we felt we were loved but only to wake up to a realization that “ true love wasn’t for the faint hearted”.
Love is a journey and not an event. Relationships are built, they are not handed over to us on a silver platter. If we get this right we will save ourselves from heartache and further damage. As we grow we need to make a choice to choose the things that matter most in life regardless of what other people will say. We have to be open minded and know that people were created, they develop, they mature and this process is different for every individual. Be patient with yourself, know yourself better, embrace your uniqueness, celebrate you achievements and let yourself grow in areas you feel weaker in so doing you will be in a better position to handle people’s choices about you.
In my low moments there are a lot of mistakes I made. Some if I tell you I will have to kill you. Some mistakes I keep for my two daughters when they grow up. In my low moments they have been chances I missed. I my low moments I have felt bad about my body. It was in my low moments that someone took me just the way I was, with my embarrassing story and filthy past, he still took me to the aisle and made me an honest woman.
I look at me now and realize that if the journey wasn’t too long I could never become a beautiful wife, mother, friend and counsellor alone. It took someone to believe in me and it took me to realize that and change that beast I created after a heart break into something my husband, children, family and friends could use.
Let’s make this month a month of soul searching, a month of healing and embracing the unique us. We are beautiful in our own ways and our mistakes and lessons in life are the colors that we all need to be complete. Many times I peep into my past and laugh to myself, at myself. I also remind myself the long journey I took, I see every step as an investment of the future.